Jason Dike

Robin Thicke has been begging lately. Which leads me to think the only sane question: who are the greatest simps of all time and what’s their greatest simp anthem? Let’s start with some classic begging from the simp gawdfather himself, Bill Withers.

Firstly, let’s get into the meaning of the word simp. A simp is basically a Nice Guy. Not a nice person, a Nice Guy, you know the difference. Let’s show an urban dictionary definition of the word simp:

•A man that prides himself with "Chivalry" in hopes of getting sexual gratification from women.

Yeah, he’s that guy.

Bill Withers - Use Me

There’s something annoyingly disingenuous about Bill Withers’s simpin’. A simp song is usually clear in its intentions. They’re mournful, regretful and usually has a big key change when they turn the begging up to 11. Bill Withers goes the other way. He makes the song so funky you forget what he’s saying. Use Me is a prime example of this. Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics:

My friends feel it's their appointed duty

They keep trying to tell me

All you want to do is use me

But my answer, yeah to all that use me stuff

I want to spread the news

That if it feels this good getting used

You just keep on using me

Until you use me up

If you haven’t read that and thought ‘what are you doing Bill, mate?’ then you need as much help as Bill. His friends have probably told him plenty of times by now, hence the ‘appointed duty’ quip. He’s not even blind to being used, he’s just a-ok with it. And I haven’t got to the ‘I want to spread the news’ part. Why would you want to spread the news Bill? You want the world to know you’re a loser who’s ready to be used? Have a word with yourself, Bill.

My brother sit me right down and he talked to me

He told me that I ought not to let you just walk on me

And I'm sure he meant well

Yeah, but when our talk was through

I said, brother, if you only knew

You'd wish that you were in my shoes

You just keep on using me

Until you use me up

His brother tried to stage an intervention for our mate Bill. He still wouldn’t listen, telling him ‘I’m sure he meant well’ but carrying on regardless. Nothing quite says 'lalalala, I'm not listening' like 'I'm sure you mean well'. Quite why anyone wants to be used up is beyond me. You know what looks used up, prunes, that’s what. No one wants to look like a prune, not even Bill. Maybe Donald Sterling does, but that’s not by choice.

Sometimes, it's true

You really do abuse me

You get me in a crowd of high-class people

And then you act real rude to me

But, oh baby, baby, baby, baby,

When you love me, I can't get enough

I want to spread the news

That if it feels this good getting used

Girl, you just keep on using me

Until you use me up

Here’s when Bill finally confesses to what she does that has his friends and family so riled up. Let’s assume this mystery woman has embarrassed Bill at one cocktail event too many. He can’t ignore it, even if he’s finally having regular sex with someone for the first time in a while. His way out of this? 'Well, it feels good, so I'll keep going'.

Until you use me up

Talkin' 'bout you usin' people

It all depends on what you do

It ain't too bad the way you're usin' me

'Cause I sure am usin' you to do the things you do'

to do the things you do

Here’s the musical equivalent of a twist, he’s been using her all along as well. For sex! Because there’s no way she could’ve enjoyed the sex, isn’t that right Bill? This is why your mates wanted to have a word and your brother staged an intervention for you - you thought having sex was worth being embarrassed for, like a true simp. Shame on you Bill.